Last year, while at OSU, I went through a “dark patch”. I wasn’t going to class, and couldn’t get out of bed most days. I was suicidal, hated myself, and hated being alive. During this time I read my Bible and preayed looking for answers and looking for God. I couldn’t find anything. I want to know why I felt that way. Where was God when I was up many nights crying for Him? What kind of benevolent God sits by while His “children” suffer? Why does He let them kill themsleves, and kill each other? During this time, I also started reading C.S. Lewis books. I could understand him, and I credit his writing with saving my life.
During this time, I applied for a job at YMCA Camp Classen. Because I was pretty shaky in my faith, I thought that working at a Christian-based camp would help me. I was wrong. Camp only helped me to see the hypocrisy of the “Christians” that work there. Counselors at that camp smoke marijuana and get drunk on camp grounds, while kids are at camp. The Camp Classen director is a bigot, and is a “holier-than-thou” Christian. What is it with people like that? Do they really think that by waving a Bible in someone’s face and telling them they will go to Hell if they aren’t Christian? Really? Because all I see is an insecure person who hides behind their god, using him as an excuse to bully people and scare the crap out of them.
One time, I related my story about my time at OSU to a fellow camp worker. When I asked my question, “Where was God?” and said I had lost my faith in Him, she simply replied, “Valarie, that’s so childish.”
What is childish about it? To me, blind faith without questioning your god is childish. Yes, Jesus says believers should have the faith of a child. Children ask a lot of questions.
As of now, I have no religion. I don’t want one. I feel like God does not exist, because when I reached out for him and needed him, he never came. There are too many things in science and plain logic that can explain away God. I will not apologize for this post to anyone, nor will I apologize for my beliefs and convictions.
Comments are welcome, replies are not promised.