Changes

Last year, while at OSU, I went through a “dark patch”. I wasn’t going to class, and couldn’t get out of bed most days. I was suicidal, hated myself, and hated being alive. During this time I read my Bible and preayed looking for answers and looking for God. I couldn’t find anything. I want to know why I felt that way. Where was God when I was up many nights crying for Him? What kind of benevolent God sits by while His “children” suffer? Why does He let them kill themsleves, and kill each other? During this time, I also started reading C.S. Lewis books. I could understand him, and I credit his writing with saving my life.

During this time, I applied for a job at YMCA Camp Classen. Because I was pretty shaky in my faith, I thought that working at a Christian-based camp would help me. I was wrong. Camp only helped me to see the hypocrisy of the “Christians” that work there. Counselors at that camp smoke marijuana and get drunk on camp grounds, while kids are at camp. The Camp Classen director is a bigot, and is a “holier-than-thou” Christian. What is it with people like that? Do they really think that by waving a Bible in someone’s face and telling them they will go to Hell if they aren’t Christian? Really? Because all I see is an insecure person who hides behind their god, using him as an excuse to bully people and scare the crap out of them.

One time, I related my story about my time at OSU to a fellow camp worker. When I asked my question, “Where was God?” and said I had lost my faith in Him, she simply replied, “Valarie, that’s so childish.”

What is childish about it? To me, blind faith without questioning your god is childish. Yes, Jesus says believers should have the faith of a child. Children ask a lot of questions.

As of now, I have no religion. I don’t want one. I feel like God does not exist, because when I reached out for him and needed him, he never came. There are too many things in science and plain logic that can explain away God. I will not apologize for this post to anyone, nor will I apologize for my beliefs and convictions.

Comments are welcome, replies are not promised.

Up and Up

Things are looking up for me. I just found out I got the summer camp job. I am buying a great car for cheap. My Monty Python posters came in the mail today. And a great friend invited me on a trip with her family in England this summer. (I owe you Amy!)

I am still worried about money, but thats life. Whatever. I am feeling better than I have in a long time. Relient K has a song called “Up and Up” that I love. Here it is:

Take a Moment

Its easy to feel insignificant and small when you think about this.

Consider the size of the universe. There are over 6 billion people on Earth. The earth is a small planet in our Solar System. The solar system takes up only a small bit of the Milky way galaxy. The Milky Way is a small part of the entire universe. What are humans compared to the universe? Less than a speck of dust, really. To go into a religious discussion, to think that God is bigger than the universe is pretty amazing. He created the universe, yet cares for each and every tiny human being. Of course, I worked in a Monty Python reference. : D Its… The Galaxy Song, from “Monty Python’s Meaning of Life.”

People are so selfish. Most of us are always “looking out for Number 1″. What is it that makes some people so completely unselfish? I have family members on each end of the spectrum, so I can’t say that its necessarily genetic. What is it? I am not always selfish, but I am not exactly selfless either. If everyone was a little less selfish how much better off would the world be?

More to come to this post I am sure. : )

Depression

I’ve been “diagnosed” with depression since I was 15. So 4 years after my initial diagnosis, I have found another low point. I am not happy. My sleep patterns are off, I am full of hate, I do not want to be alone, but I don’t want to be around just random people. My temper is much more worse than normal. I am full of hatred sometimes, that is uncommon, even for me… I am getting migraines more and more frequently, and my back and neck and eyes have been hurting as well. This sounds like I’m just complaining- I’m not. I have a healthy body for the most part, its my mental state that is making my physical state worse. I’m on my medication. It’s not doing a lot of good. My best “anti-depression tactic” is Monty Python, lame or stupid as it sounds. They make me forget everything that’s on my mind, they make me laugh when nothing else can. Even Python fans are great. I have befriended many of them in the last week. But once the show or movie or song by the Pythons is over- I’m back to my gloomy state.

People have told me that depression isn’t real. That it’s only a state of mind, and I have a choice to be happy or sad. They have never dealt with depression on a real scale. I have made the “choice” to have better days, to get out and do something, to really help myself, and to be happy, but it doesn’t work. I go out, end up getting pissed off by someone, or feel even more lonely than I already do. I go back to my room, and sleep or read. So when I see these people in the grips of a horrible depression, it’s hard to feel sorry for them. They see that it’s real, and it sucks. It’s not like I “chose” to be depressed in the first place!

I can’t sleep. I woke up feeling the worst weight on my mind. I just can’t stop crying, lots of things are on my mind right now. I feel like I have failed not only myself, but my family and friends as well. I have lost friends, lost important contacts.
Depression is a B****. I read Job, in the Bible, as well as other passages. This feeling will not go away though. I feel like OSU is a prison, some days I hardly see outside of my dorm building. I hate my life. I hate myself.
The people who I need to help me move out of this place will not help. I am stuck.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

JOB 4:5 But now trouble comes to you, and you are discouraged; it strikes you, and you are dismayed.

JOB 9:25 “My days are swifter than a runner; they fly away without a glimpse of  joy.
27 If I say, ‘I will forget my complaint, I will change my expression, and smile,’
28 I still dread all my sufferings, for I know you will not hold me innocent.
29 Since I am already found guilty, why should I struggle in vain?

LUK 18:1 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.