Dad Fail

I’m frustrated. Let me tell you part of what’s making me frustrated:

I haven’t heard from my father since July. Last time I saw him was my high school graduation, and that’s also the last time my sister had any contact with him. We didn’t hear from him this whole holiday week. It seems to me that the role of parent is one to call the kids and see how they are doing, not the other way around. However, last time I spoke to him, I called him.

This mainly bothers me because this is my sister’s senior year, and the guy never went to see her be a Drum Major at one of the football games, he hasn’t called to see how her year is going, see what her college plans are, etc. If he reads this, it may be the first that he hears that she made the NCDA All- Region Honor Band this year. (Yeah, she did, on Bass Clarinet.) Now that I think about it, it was usually me who called him my senior year. Maybe because I wanted that relationship. I’m not sure. But now? He’s not around, therefore there is no relationship. It’s unfortunate, and kind of sucky, but I suppose I shouldn’t have expected any more from him. He has the best intentions that he NEVER follows through with.

Just a Rant

On Friday, a coworker and I were discussing people we knew who would get on their Facebook and say “FML” (Fu** My Life), or just complain about how much their life sucks. All these people have to worry about is going to class everyday. They have parents who pay their bills, and pay for school.

My coworker and I both feel no sympathy for these people. We both work 32 hours a week at the aquarium, pay for our school, pay our insurance. He also has a work study job at TCC and makes car payments.

All of these people need to sit back and realize their life is not that bad or stressful. Especially if you haven’t got anything to worry about except your grades. Stop hating on your parents and learn to appreciate what you’ve got. And if you’re in high school: stop complaining about how much your life sucks.  Stop complaing about how much you hate your parents and your whole family. No one wants to hear it. I’m grateful for any help my parents can give me. So shut up, and take some responsibility for yourself. It sucks, but that’s life. Get over it.

Changes

Last year, while at OSU, I went through a “dark patch”. I wasn’t going to class, and couldn’t get out of bed most days. I was suicidal, hated myself, and hated being alive. During this time I read my Bible and preayed looking for answers and looking for God. I couldn’t find anything. I want to know why I felt that way. Where was God when I was up many nights crying for Him? What kind of benevolent God sits by while His “children” suffer? Why does He let them kill themsleves, and kill each other? During this time, I also started reading C.S. Lewis books. I could understand him, and I credit his writing with saving my life.

During this time, I applied for a job at YMCA Camp Classen. Because I was pretty shaky in my faith, I thought that working at a Christian-based camp would help me. I was wrong. Camp only helped me to see the hypocrisy of the “Christians” that work there. Counselors at that camp smoke marijuana and get drunk on camp grounds, while kids are at camp. The Camp Classen director is a bigot, and is a “holier-than-thou” Christian. What is it with people like that? Do they really think that by waving a Bible in someone’s face and telling them they will go to Hell if they aren’t Christian? Really? Because all I see is an insecure person who hides behind their god, using him as an excuse to bully people and scare the crap out of them.

One time, I related my story about my time at OSU to a fellow camp worker. When I asked my question, “Where was God?” and said I had lost my faith in Him, she simply replied, “Valarie, that’s so childish.”

What is childish about it? To me, blind faith without questioning your god is childish. Yes, Jesus says believers should have the faith of a child. Children ask a lot of questions.

As of now, I have no religion. I don’t want one. I feel like God does not exist, because when I reached out for him and needed him, he never came. There are too many things in science and plain logic that can explain away God. I will not apologize for this post to anyone, nor will I apologize for my beliefs and convictions.

Comments are welcome, replies are not promised.

Your Opinion is Wrong

Ok so I don’t usually blog about things in the news unless I feel really strongly about them. But in the past week so many people have been “attacked” or judged for not having the “correct” opinion.

Of course, there’s the Perez Hilton/ Miss California scandal. The fact that Miss CA was docked so severely for expressing her opnion is wrong. Sometimes people need to agree to disagree. If you want to avoid hearing the “wrong” answer or hearing something you don’t agree with, don’t ask the question! Not to mention, I wonder how the winner of the contest, Miss North Carolina, feels about hearing that she was probably going to lose, and only won because of something so silly. Not to mention we haven’t heard anything about HER in the news, but about her runner-up and judge. Perez Hilton after the competition posted a video on his blog in which he blasted Miss CA, calling her a B**** and whatnot. Real classy, Mr. Hilton. I hope you don’t get invited back to be a judge on Miss USA next year.

I am not a homophobe, or anti-homosexuality. Do I agree with the lifestyle? No. But I will not judge someone simply because of the way they live their life. That’s like telling me I’m a horrible person because I don’t want to live in America when I get older.

Another example of people telling me I am wrong:

I take Zoloft for depression. So when this guy on Twitter posted something about the evil of anti-depressants and how they are linked to school shootings and teen suicide, I was angry. This guy is a Scientologist, so doesn’t agree with the use of anti-depressants. I was prescribed this medicine when I was 15. I am obviously still alive and never shot anyone while I was in school. Yes, there are statistics that show an upswing in these things, and so they are linked to anti-depressants prescribed to teens. But all I can think of is how many school shootings and suicides were prevented BECAUSE of the prescriptions? Those are undocumented. I cannot help but get angry when I am told that I should not be on anti-depressants because they are bad for me. When I am not taking my meds I am sulky, depressed (obviously), prone to have a very short temper, and withdrawn. I have thought about suicide more than once in my life, and it was always when I wasn’t taking my medicine.

So, Scientologists, I disagree with you. Stop looking at the negative, and focus on the positive. And a note to the guy on Twitter- I’m  not mad, just frustrated. I stopped replying because we were both going to have the same opinion after our conversation as we had before. What was the point in getting angry over something petty like that?

And a note to all human beings- agree to disagree, and stop being so hateful towards people with different opinions from your own.

Depression

I’ve been “diagnosed” with depression since I was 15. So 4 years after my initial diagnosis, I have found another low point. I am not happy. My sleep patterns are off, I am full of hate, I do not want to be alone, but I don’t want to be around just random people. My temper is much more worse than normal. I am full of hatred sometimes, that is uncommon, even for me… I am getting migraines more and more frequently, and my back and neck and eyes have been hurting as well. This sounds like I’m just complaining- I’m not. I have a healthy body for the most part, its my mental state that is making my physical state worse. I’m on my medication. It’s not doing a lot of good. My best “anti-depression tactic” is Monty Python, lame or stupid as it sounds. They make me forget everything that’s on my mind, they make me laugh when nothing else can. Even Python fans are great. I have befriended many of them in the last week. But once the show or movie or song by the Pythons is over- I’m back to my gloomy state.

People have told me that depression isn’t real. That it’s only a state of mind, and I have a choice to be happy or sad. They have never dealt with depression on a real scale. I have made the “choice” to have better days, to get out and do something, to really help myself, and to be happy, but it doesn’t work. I go out, end up getting pissed off by someone, or feel even more lonely than I already do. I go back to my room, and sleep or read. So when I see these people in the grips of a horrible depression, it’s hard to feel sorry for them. They see that it’s real, and it sucks. It’s not like I “chose” to be depressed in the first place!

I can’t sleep. I woke up feeling the worst weight on my mind. I just can’t stop crying, lots of things are on my mind right now. I feel like I have failed not only myself, but my family and friends as well. I have lost friends, lost important contacts.
Depression is a B****. I read Job, in the Bible, as well as other passages. This feeling will not go away though. I feel like OSU is a prison, some days I hardly see outside of my dorm building. I hate my life. I hate myself.
The people who I need to help me move out of this place will not help. I am stuck.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

JOB 4:5 But now trouble comes to you, and you are discouraged; it strikes you, and you are dismayed.

JOB 9:25 “My days are swifter than a runner; they fly away without a glimpse of  joy.
27 If I say, ‘I will forget my complaint, I will change my expression, and smile,’
28 I still dread all my sufferings, for I know you will not hold me innocent.
29 Since I am already found guilty, why should I struggle in vain?

LUK 18:1 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.