Changes

Last year, while at OSU, I went through a “dark patch”. I wasn’t going to class, and couldn’t get out of bed most days. I was suicidal, hated myself, and hated being alive. During this time I read my Bible and preayed looking for answers and looking for God. I couldn’t find anything. I want to know why I felt that way. Where was God when I was up many nights crying for Him? What kind of benevolent God sits by while His “children” suffer? Why does He let them kill themsleves, and kill each other? During this time, I also started reading C.S. Lewis books. I could understand him, and I credit his writing with saving my life.

During this time, I applied for a job at YMCA Camp Classen. Because I was pretty shaky in my faith, I thought that working at a Christian-based camp would help me. I was wrong. Camp only helped me to see the hypocrisy of the “Christians” that work there. Counselors at that camp smoke marijuana and get drunk on camp grounds, while kids are at camp. The Camp Classen director is a bigot, and is a “holier-than-thou” Christian. What is it with people like that? Do they really think that by waving a Bible in someone’s face and telling them they will go to Hell if they aren’t Christian? Really? Because all I see is an insecure person who hides behind their god, using him as an excuse to bully people and scare the crap out of them.

One time, I related my story about my time at OSU to a fellow camp worker. When I asked my question, “Where was God?” and said I had lost my faith in Him, she simply replied, “Valarie, that’s so childish.”

What is childish about it? To me, blind faith without questioning your god is childish. Yes, Jesus says believers should have the faith of a child. Children ask a lot of questions.

As of now, I have no religion. I don’t want one. I feel like God does not exist, because when I reached out for him and needed him, he never came. There are too many things in science and plain logic that can explain away God. I will not apologize for this post to anyone, nor will I apologize for my beliefs and convictions.

Comments are welcome, replies are not promised.

Band or Orchestra?

A friend of mine sent me a text message last night asking me “Band or Orchestra? Which do you prefer?”

This made me think about my years in high school, playing my French horn in both bands and orchestras. There are plus sides to both groups, but I think I prefer playing in orchestras. This is just my opinion as a horn player. Horns tend to get better parts in orchestra pieces. Band pieces tend to favor either the highs or the lows. Horns, being in the middle, tend to have parts that repeat often, that are mundane, and that I wish I never had to play. There are exceptions though. One of my favorite songs I played in high school was done my junior year. Very horn heavy. It’s “An American Elegy” by Frank Ticheli (a good band composer.) Here’s an mp3 link (copy and paste to your browser): http://www.manhattanbeachmusic.com/audio/american-elegy-ms.mp3

However, in orchestra horns get “meatier” parts. Especially if the composer is someone like John Williams. (Composer of Star Wars film scores, etc.) My favorite song I’ve ever played in an orchestra is actually a song I’ve played in both orchestra AND band. Its “Overture to Candide” by Leonard Bernstein. I preferred playing it in orchestra though. Here’s a YouTube link, in which Bernstein himself is conducting the London Symphony Orchestra. (Audio and Video are a bit off. That’s okay, just listen. Copy and paste to your browser.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=422-yb8TXj8

Since I don’t really play anymore: I also usually prefer listening to orchestras instead of band. I’m not sure why, I think its probably just an aesthetic preference.

Summertime

I so look forward to summer break. I love not having to do school things. However I have to work during the summer so it usually ruins the whole “sleep in every day, don’t do anything important” over the summer. Dang it.

Last summer I worked at Westlake Ace Hardware. I didn’t really enjoy it at all… The only really good part about it was the paycheck, as well as the visits I would get from friends or people I know that shopped there. But customers were so rude, acting like it was my fault that we didn’t have this size or type of PVC pipe and such. I would always want to scream, “Chill out!! I’m only the cashier!!” But I’m pretty sure I would’ve gotten fired. A few weeks ago Paul talked about he was at a store buying something for like 5 dollars and all he had was a 100 dollar bill. The cashier didn’t have enough change, so she had to wait and get the manager to bring her enough change. Paul was one of the polite customers that was patient (although in Paul’s story the cashier definitely wasn’t trying hard enough to get the attention of the manager.) But Paul was thinking like one of the customers that I always secretly wished I could punch in the face and kick in the ribs. They’re the ones that throw a fit when you don’t have enough change. This always happened to me after I had my drawer emptied out about 600 dollars. It’s not my fault you got here after I had money taken out! You should have been faster getting up here, or been taught more patience as a child! Gah! Oh how I hated rude customers…

So this summer I’m looking for a job with nicer people. I think I found it in the YMCA Camp Classen. I’d be a camp counselor all summer. How awesome would that be? Now I know I’m not exactly a loving figure towards kids, but I can get along with them, and I  can handle them well enough… So I applied. I’m hoping I get this job, I don’t want to be stuck at Wal-Mart all weekend dealing with old ladies who think I counted their change back wrong, or creepy men who ask wayyyy too many personal questions… So, keep this job for me in your thoughts and prayers! I’m hoping for the best!